Serenity is not the word. Neither is calm. Opposed would mean tumult. Neither of this. I do not claim to be a storehouse of vocabulary ingenuity. Definitons in Psychology, and legends in Literature, never fail to intrigue me. Philosophy has never worked for me, although I am quite an ardent believer of good versus evil. Numbers. Fail. Predetermined logic. Epic fail.
Failed to forever understand what really mattered. What really hit the right part of my brain. (Which lobe was that again?) Venting out thoughts, piling up, ant hill, buzzing, stinging, dead, foul, decaying. Buried.
If I ever try to sew my thoughts together, all that comes out is a badly oversized child's night gown. Living for a purpose. Mom says, "God has sent you for a purpose"- could someone please elaborate?
I find my own purposes, goals that I want to achieve, that I have achieved. Living a part of a greater dream, but clinging with the grasp of a storm tossed mariner to a spar at midnight- What to the slave is the fourth of July (Frederick Douglas) , Yes I gave my Literature exam today.
Dreams, rendered motionless. Clouds floating. Stars twinkling, not all that brightly though, and I still don't recognize the differnt constellations. *sigh*
What I really should be reading now, is not the constellations in the sky, nor why the rainbow has 7 colours and not 10..or maybe more.. (I used to wonder when I was in the 5th grade, and still do, sometimes, cuz a lot of colours are nice to look at!), but what I am today and what I am now. I do not want to think of what I was previously, and with a new year, a lot of things have taken shape, and the clouds are not all that dark and laden anymore, and yes, I see that silver lining, a glimpse of it, and I know that I'm gonna be there someday. I just have to keep refueling myself every now and then and say to myself, "you live only once!" :P
Self assessment, but done the right way, finally, has got me here today, back to being myself, and knowing, rather applying what I know as "prioritizing", and guess who tops the list? Me! I was told, that I have to be selfish in a lot of ways in today's world, and yes, I totally agree to it. But what I also realized from there on, that it shouldn't be the sole motive of one's life, MY HAPPINESS matters to me, but it is not the end of the world if I dont get a shawarma today and I am upset and cribbing about it. That's foolishness. And I am 20 now, long way down, and if i dont fasten the belt soon, maybe I will lose out on a lot of precious things and moments at which can just look back and regret. And no, I don't wanna do that.
All said and done, its time for action. No resolutions. No confusions. A focused head, with the least number of distractions (I mention "least number" to keep my options open :P ) and of course, determination.
A PJ, as one of my friend says, went like this once : If I was Nike and you were McDonalds, I would do it, and you would love it! Old, yea, I know, but for the tubelight that I am called, its okay. yea, so rephrasing and remorphing that statement to suit me (I always do that) if instead of u and me, it was just me, I would do it (what I wanted to and with determination) so I would end up loving it! And there lies my happiness!
I am not here to be judged, nor do I want to be a victim to people's non existent fantastical understanding of everythng that everyone says or does, I am here to build myself. Its still the formative stage of my life, and being determined is the best rule to any form of success. Following this, I shall make a start to my new year and hope I will not any longer cling onto the past or harp about the blunders that I have made. Its time to make a sincere new start and an effort that comes from deep down there.
Cheers to the New Year!
